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Do you suffer from the “Twitter Blues” my friends? I am not talking about the blues associated with bi-polarity of Twitter’s operational status. No, I am talking about the “Twitter Blues”. You know… the blues you feel when you realize how much of a couch potato you really are by comparing your activity to that of the people you follow on our beloved social platform.  Are you following hundreds of people whose lives (expressed thru tweet) just seem so much more exciting than yours? Are they constantly traveling the world telling you about all the great and fascinating things they are doing? Is their rapier wit and web-speak bafflingly beyond your vocabulary or awareness? Are you constantly being scooped on every little thing that goes on out there on “teh inteRwebs?”

If every time you read a tweet, you feel like a loser because you just can’t keep up… relax. You can change that right away. Follow one or more of these simple methods and you will feel, well, different anyway, and possibly not as much like the loser you may or may not be. It’s very simple actually and doesn’t cost a cent.

METHOD  1 – LIE 

That’s right. Lie. And the bigger the lie, the better.  Choose one of the two following styles:

Lie in a positive manner. 

Post in a way that makes it sound like the jet-set couldn’t even keep up with you. Load your tweets with sarcasm and attitude that projects the kind of complacency only associated with the powerful. Just make sure you skip the specifics. For example, instead of tweeting something specific and outlandish like:

“Lunch with the Jack White, yet again. B-O-R-I-N-G”,

skip the specific reference and say something like:

“Just landed in San Fran for the conference. The Beluga is a bit dry, but will do”.

There could be any number of conferences in San Francisco in any given month, so that is probable and therefore  believable. The Beluga reference refers to the fact that you are either sitting in first class in the the hi-fi plane you are on, or that you have already reached the hotel and that you are hip enough to know good caviar from bad. In any event, it’s good to leave it a bit vague as that will keep your followers guessing.

Another strategy is to pick someone mildly famous yet still approachable and tweet a spoofed public reply that is chummy  and makes it sound like you are in communication with them and have an inside joke going. For example:

“@wilw lol, I know, but how would we get past security 4 starters and whose car would we use “

This is not foolproof, but most people will be to lazy to scan through a sea of tweets to verify.

Lie in a negative manner

Hey, if you are feeling like a loser, at least make sure everybody else feels bad about it too.

Example tweets:

“Just finished the 3rd rehab session. Feel a little better today.”

or

“Everything seems to take longer since the accident.”

This little bit of guilt will go miles and you might even get a date out of it.

METHOD 2 – GO MOBILE

You need to get a mobile client like ceTwit, or Twinkle. You need to project that you could easily be anywhere at anytime. At a bare minimum, at least use multiple 3rd party clients that could run on a laptop, and uses them in random order. Make sure you pick the latest clients too, as that will make you appear to be “in-the-know”. However a phone client is still preferred and will project more of a social presence… like you are out at concerts, dinner parties or at the kind of client meetings where laptops are passé or would not be appropriate. Make sure to disable “location services” on your mobile, if you have them, so as not to tip off anyone to where you may actually be. That being said, you must never use ANY location services at all… EVER. That way, there will be no strangeness, when you suddenly stop using them during “extraordinary” posting periods.

METHOD 3 – THE WORK ANGLE

If you just don’t feel you can project debonair travel-weary elegance and you don’t want to go to the trouble of keeping the web of lies in tact, become a work-a-holic, or at least try to make everyone think you are.  Simply find one good feed out there, that is pertinent to your job or your persona or interests and reference it constantly with shortened urls. This is harder than it sounds. Chances are someone else is also referencing that feed too, so you will have to be constantly checking it in order to get there first. This is definitely and advance move. But come on,  most of the people out there following you aren’t clicking your URLs anyway, so you could be posting recipes for Hungarian goulash and no one would be the wiser. Just make sure you descriptions before the shortened URLs sound boring. You can get the cred and no one will click.

WHEN BUSTED OUT, STICK TO YOUR STORY

When you get caught making fake tweets, you need to rely on your own personal methods for sure, but my advice is to stick to your story, no matter how far you have to go and no matter how much of an idiot you may seem to be for doing so. Deflect and redirect when you can, then rinse and repeat.

CONCLUSION

This exercise is not for the faint of heart. Depending on how far you plan on taking this kind of maneuvering, you may need to do a little or a lot of research and planning, but that adds  to the excitement and therefore gets you off your couch a little more.