somedude&AdEll

If Santa answered his own mail


Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer
Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?

Love, Teddy



Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis



Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set
you up with a Barbie.
Santa




Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch.
Santa



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica



Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck
in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy



Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home? Love, Marky
Dear Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you
live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,

Santa

__________________
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