Grimstock

Ida know, these 'canes wobble, you know; plus, wouldn't the captain wish to give the new boat a little bit of a test run? Where can you find rogue waves when you need them?

nonentity

One would think that just enticing Box to jump overboard, perhaps exactly as I depicted in my graphic video, would create that rogue wave that you describe. This might also allow scientists to analyse the contents of his underwear to help establish if sewage does actually help cockles grow. Can you imagine undertaking that task?

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Grimstock

Didn't he speed away on a jet ski with the passengers' loot in your video?

nonentity

Ah yes, that was the final scene but his jet ski did sink which made for a happy ending.

What shall we do without him?

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Grimstock

so there's loot to be gained?

Box

Would brown paper packages tied up with string be a suitable replacement?

Would you like a list of a few of my favourite things?

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Grimstock

Are you in Salzburg or Vermont?

nonentity

I bet a few of your favourite things include Fosters and salted fish, and more Fosters. I take it from your transmission above that the captain has not discovered that you are really a spy for UEFA, on your way to Yankeeland to burst all Hand-Eggs?

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Box

Can you give me some tips on the best way to burst the Hand-Eggs?

I'm sure, as it was traditionally made from the bladder of a pig, you must be something of a specialist when it comes to pricking them.

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nonentity

I'm sure that if you use your normal chat up lines they will, like most of your female conquests, be thoroughly disappointed and deflate on their own.

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Box

Have you once again forgotten what thread you are in or is it just your natural dementia that made you fail to ask a question?

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nonentity

Alas you have caught me out again but there are mitigating circumstances. You see I had presumed you were either dead or beached somewhere, the latter being the more likely, and as such I had contacted my turf accountant some days ago to wager a bet on you appearing on a National Geographic documentary sometime within the next 6 weeks. This afternoon, having seen your post, I suddenly realised that you were alive and that I had to find a way of recouping my outlay before Mrs. non noticed it missing from her account so I was, at the time I made my statement above, contacting the Royal Mint to see if they could see their way to sending me a shiny new five pence piece to help save my marriage. Do you see now why I didn't ask a question?

Is there still time for you to beach yourself?

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Box

I shall be carried ashore by my bearers to roars of approval from my adoring fans and most of the news media at around 8am EST tomorrow. There may be some small interest taken in my current mode of transport, but be assured that all the Pomp and Circumstance will really be for me.

Will you be watching? Or will that clash with one of your regular visits to Ladbrokes?

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nonentity

Carried ashore by your beavers? How apt for a former scout master and sexual deviant.

I have not the foggiest what time 8am EST is in the real world but I assume it will probably coincide with one of my power naps. You can send me a DVD of the great moment, I need a new coaster.

Can I take it then that your two ladies of the night, namely Pomp and Circumstance, will be waiting with the baby oil and slippers?

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Grimstock

Is it safe to unlock the doors and venture out yet?