Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they've forgotten the words!
Q: What kind of bees hum and drop things?
A: A fumble bee!
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During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Just a minute, I have to go whizz.
"That would be rude and impolite !
What about you John, how would you say it?"
I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table.
And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
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Avast ya scurver wretch's
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I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig".
"I had them bury the old bugger face down......."
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Avast ya scurver wretch's
.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Avast ya scurver wretch's
.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
>>I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped in
>>a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and
>>fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised,
>>bleeding and I had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally,
>>for my child.
>>
>>My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful
>>giggle followed by, "Again!"
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If you get dead silence after breaking the speed of sound, would you be in the darkness after passing the speed of light?
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one heck of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it -- I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."
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Avast ya scurver wretch's
.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
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