So these three strings walk into a bar and find a table. The first string says "I'm gonna go get us some drinks..." So he goes up to the bar and orders the drinks, to which the bartender replies "we don't serve strings in this bar." So the string goes back to the table to relay the news and offered to go to a different bar. The second string says "naw, you just gotta know how to ask him" So he goes up to the bar and offers a generous tip for serving him and his friends. Unfortunatly the bartender still won't serve them. The second string goes back to the table and says "lets just get out of here so we don't get in trouble.." The third string says to let him have a try... He ties himself in a pretty bow and messes up his hair real bad and then goes up to the bar. "You're a string aren't ya" says the bartender, to which the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."
There was this eskimo out in the middle of the ocean fishing in his little canoe. When he got cold he decided to make a fire, which burnt the boat and he sank, which only proves, you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...
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A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" askes the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
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Johnny Bravo dialled 911.
JB: ello operator, there is a handsome man in my bedroom, oh never mind.....its just me!
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"The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given
me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been kindness, beauty, and
truth." - A. Einstein
Here's a little message to bring a smile to all of you. In this time of brave soldiers don't forget Paddy.
Jacques Chirac, The French President, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."
A little girl goes to see the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in her ear. She says to the doctor, "I don't feel good."
The doctor replies, "The problem is clear to me. You're not eating right!
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Here's a little message to bring a smile to all of you. In this time of brave soldiers don't forget Paddy.
Jacques Chirac, The French President, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."
Yes Chris - which I why I stated that JP would have heard it before - I think you will find most of the jokes on this thread would have been posted on the internet previously (although reading some of your 'jokes' probably not).
This rich man in his Rolls Royce Silver Spirit pulls up next to a fellow in an MG Midget at a red light. The fellow in the Rolls, looks over at the man in the MG Midget, and the guy in the MG Midget remarks, "That's a really nice car. Does it have a CD Player?"
The guy in the Rolls Royce rolls his eyes and answered, "Of course!"
"Does it have an incredible sound system?"
Again, he rolls his eyes and the man in the Rolls replies, "Yes!"
"Well, what about a large screen TV?"
Caught a little off guard, the gentleman in the Rolls Royce panicks and noticing that the light had turned green, races off.
Two days later, the man in the Rolls Royce is driving around and sees the same MG Midget pulled over to the side of the road. It is a little late at night, and the windows are fogged up. One of the windows is cracked open slightly and steam is pouring out. The driver of the Rolls Royce pulls over and knocks on the window of the MG Midget. After a minute or two, the window rolls down a bit, and the driver of the MG Midget pokes out his head, his hair dripping wet.
"Yes?" the driver from the Midget inquires.
"I just wanted to let you know that I've installed that Big Screen TV," the Rolls Royce owner says.
The MG Midget driver responds, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
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tmn72
Current: Pharos GPS 525, Blackberry 8703e
Still Own: HP 100lx, HP 320lx, HP Jornada 720, Palm VIIx, Palm Pilot Pro
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Previously owned Handhelds:
Sharp Wizard, Sharp Zaurus, Palm Professional, Palm III, , HP Omnigo, HP Jornada 620lx, Palm IIIc, HP Jornada 548, Dell Axim X5, HP Ipaq 1910, Sony NX80v, Palm Tungsten E, Axim X50, Palm TX
Yes Chris - which I why I stated that JP would have heard it before - I think you will find most of the jokes on this thread would have been posted on the internet previously (although reading some of your 'jokes' probably not).
It's all in the way you tell them......
The longest word in the world is smiles. Because it has a mile between its first and last letter
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