jpmarth

What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?


The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door. Yes, I am a geek. :D

wooch

What did Ernie say when his friend asked if he wanted any ice cream?

"Sure Bert"

schrags11

What's a pirates favorite restaurant?

Arrrrrrrrrrby's

J-roc

Giraffe walks into a bar, asks the Bartender for a beer.
Bartender says "Would you like a long neck"
Giraffe says "Do I have a choice!?!"

Rimshot!

messmerizer

Originally Posted by Ferrari348GTS

The name that a deaf and blind person is called is "deaf & dumb". I have no idea how this came to be and why it is supposed to sound relevant but it is.

accually deaf and dumb is a deaf mute..

messmerizer

why does a bicycle have a kickstand?





cuz it's 2 tired

MyUncle

What does a snail say when riding the back of a turtle?


WEEE!

psionandy

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

__________________
You'd have thought that someone would have put a sig here
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

forkyfork

What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino?

Elefino!!!

(p.s. I'm such a dork, and I actually find the majority of these LOL-funny!)

rob1303

Originally Posted by psionandy

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

Tommy Cooper here we come :approve:

Some more Tommy Cooper jokes: (although I think they are too good for this thread).
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat git"

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.'
I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

psionandy

Originally Posted by rob1303

Tommy Cooper here we come :approve:

You've just pinched all my material for the next week
:bang: ok then

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.


Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

__________________
You'd have thought that someone would have put a sig here
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

tmn72

A pirate walks into a bar and orders, "Arrgh, gimme a beer!"
The bartender starts to fill a mug and comments to the pirate, "Are you aware that there is a steering wheel attached to your groin area?"
The pirate replies, "Arggh, and it's driving me nuts!"

What's the first thing to go through a bee's mind when he hits a windshield?

His bum!

tmn72

mikeyp

wat rymes with poop?

poop!

rob1303

Originally Posted by mikeyp

wat rymes with poop? poop!

Originally Posted by mikeyp

what do u call an idiot 12 year old who posts nonsense?

Mikeyp

mikeyp

1. im 16. not 12
2. this is the dumb joke thread is it not?
3. u and ther orther people with the racoon sig scare me

( the racoon looks like it wabts me