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Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Yes, Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: May I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the lady's car. The supervising officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Supervisor: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Supervisor: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?!
Supervisor: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Supervisor: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Supervisor: My officer also claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Supervisor: Thank you ma'am, my officer told me that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Two guys, who had been best friends since grade school, were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while, the first guy said to the second guy, "If I were to sneak over to your house on Saturday and make love to your wife while you were off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy tilted his head sideways for a minute, then scratched his head and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he replied, "Well, I don't know about that making us kin, but it sure would make us even."
Canada is always in fear that they will be invaded by the USA because 95% or their population lives on the border...The other 5% have been eaten by bears from the north.
A friend of mine told me a real weird joke today... I think it might had been the acting what was supposed to make the joke funny. Anyway...
Some guy got himself a pair of very expensive shoes and decided to take a walk proudly showing them off. He stops all of a sudden just before steping on something strange. He picks it up, checks it closely, rubs it in his cheeks, finally tastes it and says "Oh F**k! This is Sh*t! Thanks God I didn't stepped on it!!".
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