Worst Joke Ever - the Limbo challenge - Page 64

Box · 09-17-08, 06:44 PM

Feel like a Woman
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, " Well if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane that can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten about their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Australia at the back of the plane stands up. He is handsome, tall, well built with dark hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers, "Iron this...then get me a beer."

jflick35 · 09-17-08, 07:12 PM

You sexist SOB:approve:

nonentity · 09-18-08, 02:07 PM

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

Box · 09-18-08, 03:49 PM

This story is full of so many holes it has obviously been made up by a bagpipe strangling haggis muncher.

Firstly, Kivin is obviously a Kiwi, no self respecting Aussie Mum would name her son Kivin.
Secondly, Steve must be a ringer, with a name as strange as that he is probably a Paddy, and no doubt, tossed himself off the building so he could chuck a sickie.
Bruce, being the only True Oz there would have been doing the work of three men on his own without complaint, and would therefore have missed the skiving activities of the other two.

And if you need more evidence, no Oz would bet a case of Fosters on anything, we use that crap for watering the garden and flogging off to unsuspecting tourists.

nonentity · 09-18-08, 03:56 PM

Some "Paddy's", as you call them, are quite astute:

Bruce Strewth was in Ireland on holiday. On his way to Belfast, he stopped at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way to Belfast?" Paddy asked, "Are you walking or driving?" to which Bruce replied, "I'm driving!" Paddy said, "Aye, that'd be the quickest way!"

Box · 09-18-08, 04:01 PM

What is white and sits on an Irishmans front porch?

Paddy O'Furniture.

nonentity · 09-23-08, 02:07 PM

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man replys. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

spud42 · 11-09-08, 08:09 AM

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this' [3 minutes of commercials follow].

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Toucht tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian.... uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the @r53 ....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing.
Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

nonentity · 11-10-08, 03:39 PM

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "what do you want to do?". The other says, "you shoot the guns and I'll drive".

nonentity · 11-14-08, 04:06 PM

"Doctor, Doctor - I have a problem. I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home" and "Delilah".
"Sounds like you have a severe case of Tom Jones Syndrome.
"Is it rare?"
"Well, it's not unusual."

TheFang · 11-14-08, 07:33 PM

A man went to the doctor.
"Doc, every time I drink coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye."
"Sir, I believe you need to take the spoon out before you drink."

TheFang · 11-16-08, 11:09 AM

A woman went to the doctor.
“Doctor I need help!”
“What seems to be the problem?”
“My husband thinks he is a refrigerator!”
“Well now, that is a harmless complex.”
“Sure, but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!!”

TheFang · 12-23-08, 10:40 AM

A General called the supply office one day, and asked the private on the other end what there was available should they fight a war any time soon. The private replied,
"We have 6 tanks, 12 jeeps, 15 transport trucks, and assorted artillery pieces in the yard...oh yeah and 1 Cadillac for our fat Generals. Ha, ha."
There was silence on the other end of the line. The General then asked,
"Do you know who this is??"
"No"
"This is General Wright."
And again there was silence on the line.
Then the private at the supply office said,
"General, so you know who this is??"
"No"
"See ya later fatty!!!"

jflick35 · 12-25-08, 07:23 PM

A proctologist was in line at the bank to cash a check. When it was his turn he pulled out an anal thermometer out of his top pocket to sign the check. When he finally realized his confusion he announced "Some A** Hole has my pen"

baylee500 · 12-26-08, 01:32 AM

What did the father buffalo say to his son as he was leaving for work??

Bison