What's the best way to kill head lice?
Apply a mix of alcohol and sand.
When they get real drunk they stone each other to death.
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A blonde was trying to do a jigsaw puzzle with no success. So she calls her boyfriend to help her. "What's the picture in the box?" he asks, "A tiger", she replies. "You just gotta be patient. I'm going over to help you".
When the guy arrives he looks at the table, looks at her, takes a deep breath and says: "I don't think you can put together anything resembling a tiger with this pieces... but why don't we instead order something to eat, watch a movie and then I help you put all this Frosted Flakes back in the box?"
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The top brass of all the branches of the military are arguing over who has the bravest members
The Marine General says no one is braver than a marine. He sees a Marine and orders him to charge a machine gun nest. He does and gets cut down.
They all agree yep, That was brave.
The Army General says that's nothing. Watch this. Throws a hand grenade and orders a private to jump on it. He does.
They all agree yep, That was brave.
The Air Force General says yeah that was brave but that was nothing. He orders a pilot into the air and crash into a mountain. He does.
They all agree yep, That was brave.
The Navy Admiral says you all have brave people but no one is more brave than a sailor. He sees a sailor at the top of the mast painting. He shouts up. Sailor. Jump. The sailor looks down and yells back F U admiral.
Bruce and Sheila park their car, shut their doors and realise they have left the keys inside. Bruce says "what are we going to do Sheila?" Sheila says "we could get a coat hanger and try to unlock it with that Bruce". Bruce then says "well whatever we do we better hurry because it's starting to rain and the top's still down."
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The american situation is getting darker and darker, said Obama
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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback diner with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $19.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. ' Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.50.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
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Two Mexicans were lost in a desert when they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they they see it's draped with rasher upon rasher of crisp, smoked bacon. "Hey Pepe", says Jose, "ees a bacon tree, we are saved". Pepe then runs to the tree and as he gets to within five feet of it he is gunned down in a hail of bullets. Jose shouts, "Pepe, what happened"?. Pepe shouts back, "Run amigo run, ess not a bacon tree.... ees a ham bush".
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your
circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ......
"What the %*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
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