I realize no one will believe this, and I'll probably be laughed out of here, but I had an 8min26 second call to dell customer service today. I got an English-speaking person, and get this, got answers to all the questions I had regarding my warranty. Wow, like, someone scrape me off the floor!
I don't know if I should be elated or depressed, since I've probably used up all my good luck for the next decade.