a little fun

**hnelson59** · 01-10-04, 11:53 PM

got this as an e-mail and thought i would share . . .

'Carlinisms' for those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity..

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What would happen if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
(Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me ... I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me!)

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Frannyman · 02-10-07, 04:26 AM

can't believe nobody ever thanked you for sharing! :approve:

Tankman · 02-10-07, 10:14 AM

Thanks for sharing!

What was before sliced bread?

stevenator65 · 02-10-07, 01:24 PM

That was awesome!

dale124 · 02-10-07, 04:07 PM

Very good. Got a chuckle or 2. I especially liked #4.
Here's another one for you.
People with Dyslexia will never be able to spell their condition.

That reminds me of a joke:
Did you hear about the dyslexic athiest who had insomnia?
He would lie awake at night and wonder if there really was a dog!

Pocketbrain · 02-10-07, 05:51 PM

over three years, eh? Frannyman gets a golden shovel!

by the way, not only are we descended from apes, but we are also apes ourselves! Wow!
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Zaniax · 08-19-07, 12:53 AM

Quote:

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

She got a nice figure - count on that :D

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